Are you running an internal comparative dynamic?

comparison

kəmˈparɪs(ə)n/

noun

  1. 1.  a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.

Comparing oneself to another can be detrimental to one’s sense of self.  Always will there be differences.  We are all unique individuals endeavouring to be the best version of ourselves.

Is this the only comparison?  Between us and another?  Recently I discovered an internal comparative dynamic running unconsciously which has been having detrimental effects to self and my ability to step fully into the new life.  The comparison of myself as I am ‘now’ to the self I was, before my divorce and the changes (to my life and self) that ensued and necessary.   Two Libby’s clashing and comparing against one another.   An internal battle hidden deeply out of sight.

The roles deeply imbedded of being a wife and full time mother had created a persona that I solely identified with.  Here now, the roles have gone and with it the ‘Libby’ I was for over 20 years.  Loss, sadness, confusion and grief experienced deeply.  I have changed through the divorce process and it has been necessary to let go what I was and begin creating me ‘anew’.

As the life I had continues to dissipate into the ethers, more and more spaces frees up for me – here – now.   I have found this space to be a terrifying experience.   The silence of an empty home deafening.

A huge gapping whole was present when my marriage ended and my husband moved out.   This took many years to adjust to.  Since that moment both my sons have moved out of home venturing on their own.  Each one leaving a void, an emptiness needing to be filled.  My daughter now on the precipice of her own journey.  Each departure stripping me bare.  The role as wife removed, the one as mother shifting and changing.   Roles that I came to realise I identified as.  Dangerous on reflection.  Yet many of us do.   No judgement.

As I learn to be with me now and explore my innerness I am clashing up against who I was.

Two worlds colliding; married with kids compared to divorced with an ever emptying nest.  The worlds don’t match.  How could they?

I have been comparing who I am now to who I used to be, what I sense to do with what I used to do, how my life is now to how it used to be.   A constant comparative flow.

Against the lovingly familiar ‘old’, my ‘new’ has had trouble stacking up.  It has no strength.  It is newly forming, like an embryo it needs nurture and care.   Yet in the looking back and seeking who I was, I have been neglecting who I am growing into now.  So much energy has been invested in looking back and seeking ‘her’ that is has been at the expense of creating a space within something else can grow.

Comparison of self to self is damaging, restrictive and not supportive to growth.

Who I ‘was’ is loved however full attention and presence must be brought into the here and now.  As I free up all the angst, wishing for what was, judgments and frustrations of these two worlds colliding, I can create a pristine environment within which a new life can be created.

Compassion oozing into the spaces previously taken up with comparison.

I wonder what the new will look like?

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