There came a point along my healing transformational journey that I realised I was waiting. Sitting in a holding pattern. Not moving. Sitting within my existence. Grabbing my writing journal I sat and allowed this one to share with me. Fascinating what was revealed when I invited ‘the waiting one’ to be heard.
Keep writing, allowing free flowing stream of consciousness … what is in me waiting to be heard, waiting to be written, waiting to be expressed, waiting to be born.. I wonder… in the deep recesses of where I am …what and who is waiting?
Listening to the waiting
Why was I in this position where I felt I had to wait? Did someone tell me to wait? Perpetually waiting. Yet in this state of waiting, much was put off, put on hold and stifled. Perhaps it is this itself that has been waiting, the state of waiting has been waiting to be heard. In this free flow the waiting is now speaking.
It feels no barriers, no limits, no restriction, no need to filter or no one to tell me off. Tell me off for speaking inappropriately, behaving inappropriately, not doing, not acting out of fear of reprimand for doing whatever it is ‘wrong’ or not correct.
What if I don’t want to wait anymore? What if there is no longer any need to wait? What if all those ones who told me to wait are no longer here or play a part or influence me? What if I have been waiting for those who told me to wait, to let me know it is okay to go. To move.
What if I think I have been told to wait but in actuality I heard it once and never knew it had expired. How long ago did it expire? How long have I been waiting, holding, putting off out of a fear of reprimand? How long will it take to stop?
What is it I have waiting for? At what point did I start waiting? Did someone tell me? Did I think I had to wait?
What waiting needs
Waiting for the go ahead. I have been looking and all I have seen is that I have been waiting for ‘them’ to tell me it is okay to start, to be me and live my life. I have been waiting for ‘them’ to let me know I don’t have to do their way anymore. That it is okay to live a life that is fulfilling to me, in a way that feels so, so, so right for me. A rightness that comes from deep within my core, the place where my inner voice speaks. The one who keeps saying “I have your back”. “I have your back” from what? From being hurt by others. The one who seeks to protect from further attack. The one who guides me and the rest of my team as to how best look after us, to nurture, to love to heal.
The consequence of waiting
Waiting can result in patterns of procrastination, putting things off, stifling creativity, inhibiting growth, limiting the experience of joy, creates patterns that whatever is done is not enough, creates perpetual doing in order to achieve. To achieve the go ahead to live, to be me.
Why is it that I still feel a sense of having to get approval, the okay to stop waiting and start living? Heavily engrained. Observed. Set in place. The way. The family way.
Wait until the kids are grown, till they have finished school, till they have left home, wait until you have enough money, wait until everything is sorted, wait until you have been told you can, wait until it works for everyone else, wait until your husband says you can, wait until your parents have died, wait until you know more, wait until there is nothing else left to wait for. The thing is waiting in itself creates more waiting. It is not the answer it seeks.
The only answer to waiting. Is to stop.
There is no ones whose permission I need to stop waiting.
What will be different when you stop waiting?