I am not exactly sure where to start. I know I need to move, make a start and being creating a new life. One chapter closed, beginning a new one. But where do I start?
The beginning? Middle? or End?
Do I start at the beginning? Do I know where the beginning ‘is’? Not sure I can pin point where this journey started. Depends what perspective and approach I want to take. Is the beginning where my life journey started or when this hugely challenging and confronting chapter of my life started? and when did it actually start? Is it possible it has been slowly unravelling over a long period of time in such a way that I didn’t notice? Like roots of a vine spreading underground popping up through the soil randomly. Is it possible that my marriage – the one thing I adored and prized more highly then life itself – was slowly transforming that i didn’t even notice? I imagine it may have been like cancerous cell. People have cancerous cells within them for years before they are diagnosed with the illness. Perhaps a marriage starts to disintegrate in such the same way. Where we are oblivious to what is actually going on within as there are no visible signs.
Do I start in the middle, in the midst of it all? The middle is messy. I sense we are always in the middle. Because I sure as hell don’t feel like I am at the end. How would I know that is has ended? and what exactly am i referring to here. What would the end look like? What would it feel like? What am I doing? How different would my life be? Is that how we know when something has ended. Is this a way to ascertain when we have finally moved through a tough time and the chapter has ended? Maybe there are certain markers we can look for that would suggest that for now, a large percentage of what was needed to be experienced, felt, healed and transformed has been done. Meaning that we can move into another phase.
Perhaps its not so much, one phase ending but of a continual rolling motion through experiences. Maybe its not of looking for where something began and ended but to sense yourself in the midst, in the centre of your self, your experience. If we place ourselves right in the middle, the core we can see all around. We have a 365 experience. Maybe viewing life this way enables us to find a pivot point from which to view and move.
As it ends it begins
Maybe from this vantage point we can see that nothing really begins or ends. It never really leaves. It is all around us, within us. Nothing is ever separate. Perhaps we are not walking a linear time line, one straight line that our calendars and clocks would endure and dictate. How different would it be if we experience being right in the middle of our life, and that our life is right in the middle of all of existence?
So if there is no actual beginning, or end to this chapter, to this experience – all of a sudden the way forward becomes clearer. I don’t have to worry about starting or finishing in the ‘right’ moment. I can choose from ‘here’ what needs to be experienced, related with and the direction I move.
I decide the direction, impressed upon by the life force within me.
One step, one step, one step …. that is all that is needed.
Life will unfold in this manner, like the rose buds blooms.
The importance of acknowledgement as you start to move once more
One of the most helpful processes I undertook was taking stock of where I am at right now. This can be done many times. Quite often I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was in a constant state of uncertainty and overwhelm for many, many months following the ending of my marriage. All I could see was where I wasn’t.
But this incessant activity of looking at what ‘wasn’t’, totally invalided where I had come from. Take it from me, where you are right now means you have moved, you have stepped, you have healed and you have survived. Yes you may not be where you would like to be, just yet, however you have moved and made progress. If we don’t take time to stop, look around and review where we are right now, what is in our lives now (that previously wasn’t), what is no longer in our lives (that had to be let go) we are doing ourselves a huge injustice.
Self compassion guides us to say “Hey, well done, look where you are at now. Look at the steps you have taken. You did this, no one else – you did it. Nice one. Self compassion then takes our hand and says “keep going”. We have a way to go, work to continue, we are on our way.
So take stock of where you are at right now. Grab your journal and write some answers to the following:
- What have you healed?
- What do I have in my life now, that I didn’t and I am grateful for?
- What is no longer in my life that I am grateful for?
- What have I let go?
- What I have I stepped into courageously?