Musings on the totality of experience ancestral, spiritual and physical
As I have mentioned before I am not a scientist, nor have any bent towards this field. And there is this incessant preference in the world for things to be validated or proved before they can be accepted as being ‘real’ or ‘true’. This way has been in direct contrast to what my own internal knowing is. I don’t need to gather scientific evidence to be in awe of the land, to feel love and the connectedness to the Planet. My own personal experience is all I need. This conflict between the world I was presented with as a child and the one I intrinsically knew is one I have lived with for many years. My own inner knowing of who I am and my alignment to living a spiritually centered life doesn’t operate in absolutes. The more I journeyed along the spiritual path the more I realized how foreign my family was to me. I didn’t belong here. Disorienting. I have become very astute at gauging in conversation if others are of the same ‘bent’, and if not learning how to keep me safe.
I am not interested in defending who I am or even in converting other. Its for all to be respected. Finding other who embraces a spiritual centered life is rare and a kindred spirit is a gift. Out of self preservation I have kept me close within. I learned early on in my childhood that who I was intrinsically didn’t fit into the family way. Attempts to express myself resulted in being ostracized and misunderstood. As out of a misguided love lens they molded me into someone who fitted what they were and needed. I learned to tow the line in order to feel safe and loved.
Now over 40 years on, its taking heaps loud of courage to begin to speak and share of me to a wider audience. Ironically it is the voice of spirit deep within that provided the nudge. I spent many years ignoring her delicate nudges to be who I am, to express me and my gifts so much to the point that she is now like a tsunami bearing down on me that can no longer be ignored. Its like that. Love has many ways. Ignore long enough and you will be placed in a situation where you must act.
Spirituality is not religion. Often the two get intertwined.
A spiritual life is one embraced with the knowing that we are more than our physical body.
It’s experiencing an interconnectedness with all that is. It’s knowing in essence, we are eternal, there is a life force within us that will continue beyond this embodiment. That there is an indwelling soul who seeks life experiences to learn, to grow, to heal and integrate for its own evolutionary growth. From this perspective everything that happens in our life, is not so much ‘to’ us but ‘for’ us. We draw towards us the experience that will assist us to grow and heal. It’s about taking our life in and transforming it into love. Nothing is by chance. It’s not about being punished. It’s about being given an opportunity to become more of who we truly are.
Ones perspective on life becomes larger. Our lens expanded and clearer.
We realize the potential in every moment.
There is a constant reflection for us.
However, when science does catch up with the spiritual way imagine my hearts delight!
This chance occurrence happened for me when I came across epigenetics and transgenerational trauma. My heart skipped a beat. Here was a spiritual concept being proven through science. That who I am here and now is the result of what has come before me. This life time is not in isolation. Its connected. That what I am experiencing in this life is not random but an opportunity to heal residue trauma. Its about becoming aware of the influence your genetics can have yet not being solely defined by it. Its about hope of healing the pain you feel, transmuting it and in doing so have a positive healing impact on your life and for those to come after you. That the way I defaulted to deal with the loss and pain associated with divorce and grief was to some degree encoded within my genetics. That the women who came before me have shaped who I am today. Any unresolved trauma lies in wait in our genes and can be activated down the line waiting to be addressed. And that perhaps whilst I inherited a predisposition to deal with life in a particular way, they also have a story to share and that there is a power within that story. A story that provides me with insight as to how they overcame personal challenges, it provides me with hope that I too can overcome and that their strength and resilience runs through me.
In learning of their story, I begin to see a correlation. I realize I am not alone. That these women who came before me are imparting wisdom too.
Its appreciating the totality of who I am and choosing what parts to continue and what needs to be transmuted and let go off here and know. Its recognizing that my soul seeks this integration. Its relating with the past in a healthy way and no longer being defined by it.
Hope lies in our ability to know we are always more then our current experience. That change is the one constant and that whilst change is scary it is change that frees us.
Whilst many may not see it that way, my heart knew. I felt enraptured and full of hope that what I had felt and experience through some of my darkest moments did have some evidence to support it. That I wasn’t just going mad but perhaps, just perhaps my deepest personal challenges was not just ‘me ‘ into but that there was a link a connection to all the women before me.
Hope where there was none.
Quite often in my darkest moments, when all hope was lost and I found myself on the bathroom floor curled up in a fetal position on the cold tiles there was something deeper in, beyond the human pain. It was reaching it that was the challenge. Yet always it was there. I just had to ride out the human anguish and suffering long enough for her to be heard.
Who was she though? Where did this voice come from? The one that said “you will be okay”, the one that ethereally brushed my brow and told me to slowly get up.
Where did this nudge come from?
It was as if a collective force scooped me up and help me to land on my feet. ‘they’ encouraged me to take one step, then another, then another.
There was a connection deep out of sight that I felt but could not explain. And that is okay. A connection that healed, loved and supported.
Written by Libby Kinna 2019