Every evening I sit, reflect and review. I enter my sacred room, I light candles, play soothing music, place a cashmere wrap over my shoulders, choose a crystal to hold, open my journal to a blank page and ensure a pen is handy. I sit and allow. I connect deeper into self. I clear the day of its busyness, my mind of its to do list and wind back through the activities. It’s a time to commune, to listen and allow.
Four months ago during this time, I felt a flutter in my heart. The slightest of sensation that filled me with joy and wonder of ‘what if’? What if I did return to Scotland? To live and work and immerse myself in this land and its people for an extended period of time? This flutter in my heart expanded my senses and woke me from a slumber. It was delicious. I took some preliminary steps. I researched ancestry visas, I spoke to real estate agents about listing my house for sale. I took a contracted part time role at work. Three months. At the end of those three months I would go. November 2019 I would be in Scotland. A commitment made to self and the Universe. The smallest of flutters, the wildest of drams.
It is now November. Where am I? I am not in Scotland. Speaking with my counsellor this morning we went exploring. Just how did this happen? What didn’t I do? What did I do? Quite literally, I went back to sleep. I ignored the flutter. I continued to work, get swept up in the day to day, stayed in my box, I didn’t feed the dream. I allowed laziness and unworthiness to drive. I let the fear take over. Fear of not selling the house for the right price, not having the funds I would need, fear of leaving my kids, fear of what others would think, fear of what I would think, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear….. Yet I wasn’t aware this is what was happening. I remained unconscious to the internal dynamics playing out. I didn’t trust in myself or in the Universe. Fear was in the driver’s seat.
My tiny little mental thought it new better. It thought it new the way. Three months ago when ‘we’ did the numbers I didn’t have enough to cover the expenses so I stopped. The numbers on paper didn’t add up the way I wanted them too. I backed out. I didn’t trust the feeling. I ignored my heart. The whisper of my heart that said “it’s okay, we’ve got this, just take the step” I didn’t listened. There was too much fear going on. Fear interference. So I continued my life as I knew it safe in the knowing that ‘one day’ I will have the money.
Four weeks out from that November 1st dream I received unexpected additional financial resources. The exact amount of money that I needed for the trip to Scotland in November. I was simultaneously grateful for the gift and felt like the wind had been kicked out of my guts. Here it was. Exactly what I needed. ‘She’ knew, she delivered the financial resources I needed. And I wasn’t ready. I missed the boat. I didn’t follow through on what I was guided to do 12 weeks ago. I decided out of fear and thinking I knew it all that I wouldn’t have the money, so we will wait.
Right now though I feel out of place. I should be in Scotland. It feels like a part of me is there. It is waiting for me. For me to get my shit together and catch up. There was an opening and I missed it. I feel like I missed the sliding door moment. I have to work with how this feels now. I need to ensure it doesn’t happen again. I need to trust that another opening will present. I will be ready.
Now the money is there, it’s available. But my house isn’t sold, I don’t have the visa, I don’t have a flight booked and the work isn’t lined up. The Universe was there and ready. I wasn’t. I feel ashamed for not listening and trusting in her. I feel humiliated in the realisation that I allowed fear to be in the driver’s seat.
Now I will listen, I will follow and act. The Universe speaks through feeling. Feeling through the heart. My head is where the limitation lies. My heart is the connector to all that is, to Universal flow, the oneness of all life, the biggerness of ‘I’ as soul, as spirit in this body.