A time to be still, a time to move…

I would hear it often from people “just move”, “ just make a start”, “keep going” as helpful as they thought they were being – it just didn’t help.  It’s a really tough gig to be told to move when you don’t want to and you have no idea where you are moving to.  It is scary as hell.

I simply didn’t want to move.  I wanted life to stand still.  Actually I wanted it to go backwards.  I wanted to be able to rewind my life back to certain moments.  I longed to undo conversations, I yearned to put in conversations that I didn’t have, I craved to relieve the glorious moments and to have the opportunity to play it all out differently – but I couldn’t.

Having someone to tell me to look forward when all that looked like was a big black hole was like having salt poured onto an open wound.  Of course their intention was not to cause harm, however it didn’t help.  If anything it put more pressure on what was already a pressurised environment.  I was in a pressurised environment.

Internally I was cooked, my nervous system on high alert, my heart was pumping its hardest to keep up, my lungs were doing their thing on limited activity, my eyes were dull and my complexion pale .  My emotions were in a constant state of flux, my thoughts were having a wild old time and every survival strategy I had been taught to put in place was activated.  The warning bells were loud.

No one knew what my internal world was like.  So whilst I looked okay, I operated relatively okay – no one actually knew what was going on within me.

So yes it is important to keep moving however it is vitally important to get the support system you need to heal.  There is a time to go within to stay still, to feel and heal.  Like the seed in the ground.  Hibernate and do what is needed.  There will be a time to move and begin anew.

Do not force the healing process, it takes time.  Be gentle, kind and compassionate.  Your heart will let you know when it is time to move.