Grief, loss & divorce

Divorce is an ending. Endings result in a sense of loss. Grief ensues.

Below are some of my personal wonderings of loss and grief through the divorce process.

  • Is the grief for me or for them?
  • Is it a sense of loss for what was?
  • Feel how it feels
  • Drain the grief pool
  • Feel, allow, don’t judge
  • Waves, ride the waves
  • Depth
  • Let it pass through
  • Exquisiteness of moving through the other side of the wave
  • Let it wash over you
  • Deference of what will be now
  • Acceptance of what is
  • I will be changed through it
  • Loss of what was
  • Loss of what is
  • Loss of what was to be
  • Letting go of the life and being (self) as I created it
  • Letting go of who I think he is
  • Letting go of who I choose to see
  • Death of my life as it was
  • Youth
  • Attractiveness
  • Sex, physical intimacy
  • Loss of future moments, shared goals, dreams and visions
  • Loss of family unit
  • Loss of Love
  • Loss of everything I have valued, worked for, lived for and cherished
  • Keep going

3 things grief gave me

Grief as a transformational experience

Whilst I have battled around in loss, grief in all its glory has also given to me.

  1. Grief is a very powerful force.  It’s intensity governed by how great your capacity has been to love another and to be loved by another.  The depths of grief is often in direct correlation to love.  This force can be destructive and will wipe you out like never experienced before, yet it is also a creative force unlike any other.  When my marriage ended grief was my faithful companion for a couple of years, and even now there is residue of this loss.  Fighting against this force though intensified my experience. When I allowed myself to succumb to it and rides it waves, my experience began to change.  I worked with this creative force, through its destructive nature.
  2. Grief reveals you.  Never before had I felt so vulnerable and exposed.  I felt I was naked to all who saw me including myself.  The defences were down, I crumbled in front of my own eyes and I had to own aspects of myself that I had spent years trying to hide.  Grief is messy, it has no timeline or structure.  It doesn’t care who you are, what you’ve done and what you have.  This can be scary.  Embracing the revelation of who you actually are is a gift she gives you.
  3. Grief is a reservoir.  When I was battling my ‘divorce grief’, I found myself feeling this loss within previous loss experiences.   My brothers death, my parents divorce, family breakdowns, my nan’s battle with dementia it was all there within as if waiting for the light to be shone on it.  Anything that I had not previously felt and healed was stirred up.   The ‘sludge at the bottom of the pond’ is what it felt like.  Grief is like that, classic Freud – its repressed, out of sight, unable to be dealt with until this force pushes back on itself enough so it is brought to light.

If you are battling with grief I encourage you to get the support you need.

For those in emergency crisis please contact Lifeline www.lifeline.org.au  or call 13 11 14.