I
had been putting off writing for the day when I had ‘it’ all sorted, the day
when I would feel no angst, no fear, no worry or doubt. That magical day
when ‘it’, life was all okay, that I was okay and then I would be ready to
write, to share, to action the inner force to get it out on paper.
I
became aware of an interesting dynamic though, every time I started to feel
like I, it was all coming together something else would happen and it felt like
I was right back at the beginning, amongst the mess and insecurity of my
life. I realised that if I wait for that magical day, I may never write.
And
there is the first note to self, life is not about having it all sorted, life
can’t be planned, controlled and organised according to what we wish.
Life.
Happens. Whether we are consciously engaged in it or a passive
bystander.
The
waiting is the action of the passive bystander. Waiting for that perfect
moment, waiting for the other to change, waiting for more, waiting for less,
waiting for what exactly? Conscious engagement is choosing to step up and
into life.
Choosing
to be the active participant, choosing the way you want to engage, the way you
want to respond, the way you want to feel, to live. So here I am now,
finally getting it out. For I get it now that if I keep waiting for it
all to align nicely that which I seek and feel impressed to do may never be
given the air to breath, the water to grow and the sun to nourish.
I would hear it often from people “just move”, “ just make a start”, “keep
going” as helpful as they thought they were being – it just didn’t help.
It’s a really tough gig to be told to move when you don’t want to and you have
no idea where you are moving to. It is scary as hell.
I simply didn’t want to move. I wanted life to stand
still. Actually I wanted it to go backwards. I wanted to be
able to rewind my life back to certain moments. I longed to undo
conversations, I yearned to put in conversations that I didn’t have, I craved
to relieve the glorious moments and to have the opportunity to play it all out
differently – but I couldn’t.
Having someone to tell me to look forward when all that looked like was a
big black hole was like having salt poured onto an open wound. Of course
their intention was not to cause harm, however it didn’t help. If
anything it put more pressure on what was already a pressurised
environment. I was in a pressurised environment.
Internally I was cooked, my nervous system on high alert, my heart was
pumping its hardest to keep up, my lungs were doing their thing on limited
activity, my eyes were dull and my complexion pale . My emotions
were in a constant state of flux, my thoughts were having a wild old time and
every survival strategy I had been taught to put in place was
activated. The warning bells were loud.
No one knew what my internal world was like. So whilst I looked
okay, I operated relatively okay – no one actually knew what was going on
within me.
So yes it is important to keep moving however it is vitally important to
get the support system you need to heal. There is a time to go within to
stay still, to feel and heal. Like the seed in the ground.
Hibernate and do what is needed. There will be a time to move and begin
anew.
Do not force the healing process, it takes time. Be gentle, kind and
compassionate. Your heart will let you know when it is time to move.
There came a point along my healing transformational journey that I
realised I was waiting. Sitting in a holding pattern. Not
moving. Sitting within my existence. Grabbing my writing journal I
sat and allowed this one to share with me. Fascinating what was revealed
when I invited ‘the waiting one’ to be heard.
Keep writing, allowing free flowing stream of consciousness … what is in
me waiting to be heard, waiting to be written, waiting to be expressed, waiting
to be born.. I wonder… in the deep recesses of where I am …what and who is
waiting?
Listening to the waiting
Why was I in this position where I felt I had to wait? Did someone tell me
to wait? Perpetually waiting. Yet in this state of waiting, much
was put off, put on hold and stifled. Perhaps it is this itself that
has been waiting, the state of waiting has been waiting to be
heard. In this free flow the waiting is now speaking.
It feels no barriers, no limits, no restriction, no need to filter or no
one to tell me off. Tell me off for speaking inappropriately, behaving
inappropriately, not doing, not acting out of fear of reprimand for doing
whatever it is ‘wrong’ or not correct.
What if I don’t want to wait anymore? What if there is no longer any need
to wait? What if all those ones who told me to wait are no longer
here or play a part or influence me? What if I have been waiting for those who
told me to wait, to let me know it is okay to go. To move.
What if I think I have been told to wait but in actuality I heard it once
and never knew it had expired. How long ago did it
expire? How long have I been waiting, holding, putting off out of a
fear of reprimand? How long will it take to stop?
What is it I have waiting for? At what point did I start
waiting? Did someone tell me? Did I think I had to wait?
What waiting needs
Waiting for the go ahead. I have been looking and all I have
seen is that I have been waiting for ‘them’ to tell me it is okay to start, to
be me and live my life. I have been waiting for ‘them’ to let me
know I don’t have to do their way anymore. That it is okay to live a
life that is fulfilling to me, in a way that feels so, so, so right
for me. A rightness that comes from deep within my core, the place
where my inner voice speaks. The one who keeps saying “I have your
back”. “I have your back” from what? From being hurt by
others. The one who seeks to protect from further
attack. The one who guides me and the rest of my team as to how best
look after us, to nurture, to love to heal.
The consequence of waiting
Waiting can result in patterns of procrastination, putting things off,
stifling creativity, inhibiting growth, limiting the experience of joy, creates
patterns that whatever is done is not enough, creates perpetual doing in order
to achieve. To achieve the go ahead to live, to be me.
Why is it that I still feel a sense of having to get approval, the okay to
stop waiting and start living? Heavily engrained. Observed. Set
in place. The way. The family way.
Wait until the kids are grown, till they have finished school, till they
have left home, wait until you have enough money, wait until everything is
sorted, wait until you have been told you can, wait until it works for everyone
else, wait until your husband says you can, wait until your parents have died,
wait until you know more, wait until there is nothing else left to wait
for. The thing is waiting in itself creates more waiting. It
is not the answer it seeks.
The only answer to waiting. Is to stop.
Stop.
Stop waiting.
There is no ones whose permission I need to stop waiting.
